A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc.
and then asks, "what is your occupation?"
"I'm a whore," she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken back and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. Let's try to rephrase that"
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."
"Chicken Farmer it is."

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really
know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed,
the definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met
by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still
cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling
of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the
butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically
speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately
result in death.

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on.
It represents a candle, he said.
You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols."

And So The Holiday Season Begins....